


Broken Hallelujahs

by AVE40



Category: The 100
Genre: Clarke is a recovering alcoholic, Clexa Endgame, F/F, I don't know what to call this, I don't want to give any more of this away but it's a really slow burn, Lexa is afraid of commitment, Navy Fighter Pilot AU, They both really love each other, They will make you mad, They're both assholes, i'm terrible at tags, it gets a little violent, just read it, so very angsty
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-07
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-29 20:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7698871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVE40/pseuds/AVE40
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa loves Clarke. Clarke loves Lexa. Unfortunately it's not always that simple. This is their story.</p>
<p>Or</p>
<p>The Navy Fighter Pilot AU that no one asked for. It's some next level gay ass Top Gun shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Give Me A Museum And I'll Fill It

A long time ago if someone had asked Lexa Woods where she saw herself in four years time, it certainly wouldn't be where she was now. It was a strange and somewhat complicated situation, but not completely unexpected. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place with no end in sight, at least that's what she kept telling herself. 

Lexa walked in to her condo to find Costia, her girlfriend of three years, packing her suitcase. Lexa knew Costia was doing what she herself didn't have the courage to do, walk away from a dead end relationship with no real future. Lexa wasn't invested and Costia knew it. There was only one woman that would ever hold Lexa's heart and Costia wasn't it. 

"What's this?" Lexa asked announcing her presence. 

She knew damn well what it was.

"Shit." Costia sighed. "I didn't expect you back so soon." 

"Costia...don't do this." Lexa begged softly. "Please?" 

"I can't do this anymore. I'm competing with a ghost and I'm never going to win." Costia said sadly. "There's no future for us."

"Is this about her?" Lexa asked avoiding eye contact.

"It's always about her Lexa." Costia sighed as she continued to stuff things into the suitcase.

"I though we were past that." Lexa said softly. 

"I don't think you'll ever get past it." Costia said the frustration evident in her tone. "You say her name in your sleep."

"You know I love you right?" Lexa asked as Costia continued to pack. 

"I know." Costia smiled sadly. "Just not enough." 

Lexa couldn't really argue with her logic but it did little to change the fact that she honestly didn't want Costia to go. She had spent the last three years of her life trying to build a life with her. Lexa didn't always get it right, but she tried her best. 

"I'm really trying." Lexa said hoping to somehow change Costia's mind. 

"Why Lexa?" Costia asked gesturing with her hands. "What's the point?"

"We have something good here." 

"Even when you're here you're not really here." Costia disagreed.

"You're really going to do this?" It was more of a statement rather than a question. 

"I don't have much of choice."

Lexa knew Costia could see through her half hearted attempts to make her stay. Costia knew the only thing Lexa was concerned about was the fact that she would be left completely and utterly alone. Loneliness terrified Lexa. She forced herself to "play house" and go through the motions with a woman that would never truly hold her heart for the sake of companionship. 

"I'll leave you to it then." Lexa sighed.

"Is that really all you have to say to me?"

"Yeah. Pretty much." Lexa said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. 

It wasn't much to be honest. 

  
Lexa gave Costia a quick peck on the cheek as she walked by and headed toward the bathroom. Costia stood there slightly dumbfounded. Lexa thought maybe Costia assumed that she would've put up more of a fight. Maybe if she wasn't so tired she might have, but the ten mile run she'd just returned from took the last bit of energy shehad to deal with anything that would be an arduous task. Convincing herself that she needed Costia fell into that category. 

Lexa turned on the hot water and let the steam fill the room. A small part of her was relieved Costia was going, the other part was terrified for the inevitable loneliness that would follow. There used to be a time when that wouldn't have been a problem. The last few years however, had proven to be difficult for a number of personal relationships that Lexa held dear, and She'd fallen out of touch with people that used to be an important part of her life. 

  
Lexa was surprised Costia put up with it as long as she did. Clarke, the "her" Costia was referring to, had always been the giant purple elephant in the room. They both knew it. Clarke held Lexa's heart and everyone else was just passing through. The only reason Lexa even bothered attempting relationships with other people was because she and Clarke had been on the rocks for the past four years now and to be quite honest, Lexa didn't see that changing anytime soon. 

Call it bad luck or karma but Lexa and Clarke ended up stationed together at Pensacola as flight instructors. Lexa had been there about a year longer than Clarke, and when the blonde walked through the doors, Lexa cursed out loud. It killed her knowing Clarke was so close yet still so far away. There were a lot of unresolved issues between the two of them, things that went beyond friendship and intimacy. Don't even get her started on the major trust and disappointment issues. They were just icing on the cake. The whole situation for lack of a better word, just sucked.

It was no secret that Clarke wanted more than just friendship with Lexa. Clarke gave Lexa every chance to come clean with her, but Lexa for whatever reason, just couldn't do it. She was never ready. There were always a million convenient excuses. They never wanted the same things at the same times. It was like the universe conspired to keep them stuck, always wanting more but never able to have it. 

Instead of dealing with their baggage and communicating, they decided to ignore it and pretend like the other didn't exist. It worked wonders unless they actually had to speak to each other or see each other. It was ridiculous and childish yet here they were, two grown ass women with a line drawn in the sand and no intention of crossing it. Clarke was just as stubborn as Lexa was. 

Lexa found it kind of funny that they had ended up right back at the place where they had first met. They were both young and reasonably innocent back then. They formed a fast and lasting bond which well exceeded the boundaries of friendship and like Lexa said earlier, sometimes danced on the threshold of intimacy. They often shared things with each other they never would share with anyone else. Clarke became Lexa's closest friend and Lexa loved her more than anything.

Australia is where everything just went to shit. Australia changed everything and it wasn't for the best. Clarke and Lexa were in country to do joint military training with the Royal Australian Navy and decided to take in the sights when they had time. They ended up going out to dinner one night and Clarke asked Lexa how long they were going to wait. Lexa didn't flat out reject Clarke, but she didn't say yes either. 

Lexa just wasn't ready.

Clarke took it gracefully but Lexa hurt her. She didn't mean to and she knew that Clarke knew that, but you can't convince a heart otherwise. They've got a mind of their own and they make people do stupid things. Things got messy and awkward after that. Then there's the added fun of oceans, time zones, and entire continents that often wedged themselves between the two pilots. As Naval Aviators they lived on aircraft carriers and weren't always stationed together.

Distance turned out to be their biggest enemy. They didn't keep in touch like they should have and an impossibly awkward silence fell between them. The longer it went on, the easier it was to ignore. They eventually ended up in the same squadron for awhile again, but it wasn't the same. Nothing was the same and Lexa blamed Australia. In fact, Lexa hated that fucking country so much that she's pretty sure she'll never step foot on its shores again. 

It's also where Clarke met Finn.

Finn Hudson was an asshole, at least Lexa thought so. She hated his stupid Australian accent and the smug smile that graced his lips every time his hand rested on the small of Clarke's back. Lexa hated him because he had the one thing that she cherished more than anything. She hated him because he had the balls to be everything to her. she mostly hated him because unlike her, he was still a welcome and important part of her life.

Truthfully, Lexa hated him because he was actually a great guy and she couldn't really hate him at all. He was good to Clarke and he took care of her. He was patient and attentive, and he gave up his career for Clarke, something Lexa simply wouldn't do.

When Lexa said that they had drifted apart she wasn't exaggerating. In fact, Clarke and Lexa were so far apart at this point Lexa couldn't even remember the last time they spoke. The truth was she actually chose not to remember their last conversation because it was a complete disaster. She argued with Clarke and deflected blame until Clarke had finally had enough. Lexa remembers exactly what Clarke had said: there will never be an us, and just like that, argument over. 

Like a coward, Lexa walked away and didn't even put up a fight. Clarke saw it and took that as Lexa's final answer before she locked her heart up and threw away the key. Unfortunately for Lexa, Finn found it and the rest was history. 

Sometimes Lexa imagined throwing caution to the wind and sweeping Clarke off her feet like some romance movie. The reality however was much different. This wasn't the movies, this was real life and Clarke was a fed up woman and Lexa was far from the charming hero who eventually got her shit together. There were no happy endings here. Not for them anyway. Clarke had found her Prince Charming. 

By the time Lexa finished her shower, Costia had left. A depressing silence hung in the air. Lexa let out a sigh and sank into the couch. She hadn't bothered to dry off yet. The saddest part about the entire situation was the fact that Lexa didn't really care that Costia was gone. She was actually relieved. 

***

Teaching wasn't exactly Lexa's favorite thing. she found it boring and repetitive. The Navy however, had other thoughts and ordered her to Pensacola. She hated every single minute. She did her duty but she longed to be in the cockpit of a F-18. Jet fuel and trap wires were her drug of choice, and if she wasn't being launched off a carrier deck she wasn't really living. 

"Lieutenant Commander." Lexa's CO spoke as he walked into the class and interrupted. 

"Attention on deck!" The student closest to the door called out as the entire class stood and snapped to the position of attention. 

"I need to speak with you at your earliest convenience." He said, speaking directly to Lexa. "Carry on." He added signaling the class was free to return to their seats. 

"Yes sir." Lexa responded formally.

Once he had left, Lexa felt the eyes of her students settle on her. Her reputation as a bad ass didn't go unnoticed amongst them. In fact, Lexa's antics were almost legendary. Her time as a student at this school were well documented and often used in reference as a guide to what not to do. 

"Ooooooooooh." The class teased.

"Lock it up." Lexa ordered sternly, suppressing a grin. 

The rest of class passed without further interruption. Lexa couldn't help but what wonder what her CO wanted. She wracked her brain in an attempt to recall any unsavory behavior or encounters she'd had with anyone and nothing came to mind. As she approached the CO's office door she smoothed her hands over the front of her uniform and knocked three times. 

"Enter." His voice boomed loudly.

"Lieutenant Commander Woods reporting as ordered." She said formally as she came to the position of attention in front of his desk.

"At ease," he said gesturing Lexa to sit, "I'm gonna get straight to the point," he said as he handed her a folder.

Lexa immediately noticed the words "classified" printed across the front. She opened and scanned the documents quickly. They were orders to the USS Harry Truman, they were putting her back into a squadron again. She left in two days. 

"Do you have any questions?" He asked breaking the silence.

"No sir."

"Good. As you already know, you leave in two days. Get your affairs squared away quickly. It's gonna be awhile before you come back. If you don't have any questions, I have nothing further for you. You are dismissed."

"Aye Sir." Lexa said as she stood and did an about face before walking out of the office.

Lexa could barely contain her excitement as she walked toward her office. It was all she could do to keep from jumping in the air and doing a fist pump. In forty eight hours she would be back in the cockpit of an F-18. In forty eight hours she'd be home again.

***

Coming home to an empty house was exactly how Lexa imagined it would be, shitty. After about ten minutes of unbearable silence she sent Lincoln, a good friend of hers a text and asked him to meet her at the bar. He always said yes to drinking, he was dependable like that. When Lexa arrived, she spotted him right away. He was usually the guy laughing loudly and flirting with the bartenders.

"Hey ugly." Lexa smiled as he stood up from his stool and gave her a hug.

"Don't be jealous." He grinned. 

"I'll have whatever IPA you have on tap." Lexa said to the bartender as she settled onto the stool next to Lincoln.

"You and Clarke still on different planets?" He asked as Lexa got comfortable. 

He didn't waste a single second. 

"Aren't we always?" 

"Ya'll need to figure it out." He said shaking his head. "Shit or get off the pot."

"It's not that simple." 

"It never is." He said as he tapped his finger on the brim of his glass. "You're both a couple of mules."

"I don't think it matters anyway." Lexa shrugged. "She's in a relationship."

"Yeah with crocodile Dundee." He smiled. "I think she tolerates him because you're an idiot." 

"Can we just drop it? I came out to have a good time." 

"Yeah." He laughed. "We can drop it."

He had a look of pure amusement on his face as he sat and waited for Lexa to redirect the conversation. He knew Clarke  as well as he knew Lexa and his perspective on their relationship had always been one that made Lexa uncomfortable because it was accurate. He was right, they were both mules, stubborn and thick headed.

"This isn't all my fault you know." Lexa said defensively. "She's an asshole too and I've tried to make things right."

"I thought we were changing the subject."

"We were but you keep sitting there with that stupid ass smug look on your face silently judging me, and I feel like I need to explain myself."

"I have no opinion." He laughed before bringing his bottle of beer to his lips.

"Oh bullshit." Lexa scoffed. "You're a fucking well of opinions." 

"Word on the street is you're leaving the schoolhouse." He said refusing to bite.

"Who told you that?"

"I have my sources." 

"I can neither confirm or deny." Lexa grinned before taking a long drink of her beer. "Besides if I told you, I'd have to kill you." 

"Gay." He mumbled as he rolled his eyes. 

"Very." 

"Well." He sighed. "Here's to jackassery and jet fuel." He toasted as he clinked his beer on Lexa's glass and took a drink. "I'm jealous by the way." He added. "You'll be launching off of a carrier and I'll be grading multiple choice tests."

Lexa laughed. "I'll send you pictures."

"Fuck you!" He chuckled before shoving Lexa playfully.

"I'm gonna miss you." Lexa smiled. 

"Yeah, I bet." He rolled his eyes before taking a long drink from his glass.

Lexa glanced toward the door and almost spit out her beer when she saw Clarke walk in. Not only was it a bit of a coincidence, but this place wasn't exactly an ideal hangout for someone with her circumstances. She looked uncomfortable and preoccupied. 

"Well would you like at that." Lincoln grinned. "Ask and you shall receive."

"Son of a bitch." Lexa muttered. 

So much for that, Lexa thought as she downed the rest of her beer and signaled for another. She watched as Clarke found her way to the opposite side of the bar and took a seat. The bartender brought her a glass of what Lexa could only hope was water, and as she stood there staring she couldn't help but feel conflicted. 

Lexa couldn't wait to get away, but she knew she was going to miss her, and that was always the problem. Lexa couldn't stay, and she was terrible at going. She sighed and placed her glass on the counter as she prepared for the inevitable confrontation.

 

She wondered if this would truly be the last one.

 


	2. Ripping Off The Bandaid

Clarke doesn't know why she came here. She supposed she found the familiarity comforting. A long time ago she'd probably be three sheets to the wind by now, drowning her sorrows in tequila. But not anymore. She was eight years sober and she refused to throw it all away over something that never really got the chance to happen in the first place. It was just a giant what if, another unfulfilled wish that settled in her chest like a lead weight. She was always mourning the loss of something she never got the chance to have.

Clarke watched Lexa from across the bar. Her laughter was like music to Clarke's ears, assuming music stabbed at your heart and made you want to burst into tears. Lexa was having drinks with one of their mutual friends and colleagues and by the looks of it, they were having a lot of fun. Clarke knew that Lexa noticed her as soon as she arrived, but Clarke pretended to be clueless.

After about thirty minutes of staring across the room, she needed some fresh air. Lexa had this habit of making Clarke feel like she couldn't breathe whenever she was around. Her presence was suffocating. Clarke stepped out into the cool night air and took a deep breath. 

 

She knew Lexa would follow. 

 

"You need a ride?" Clarke heard Lexa's raspy voice ask.

 

"No." Clarke said smiling at her for the first time in what felt like forever. 

 

"You sure?" She persisted. "It's no trouble."

 

"I appreciate the offer." Clarke said to her. "I'll be fine. 

 

Lexa was Clarke's closest and dearest friend. Regardless of everything that has transpired between them, she is still that, and somehow Clarke knows that she always will be. They hadn't been close lately and Clarke would be lying if she said that it didn't hurt, because it did. A lot more than she cared to admit. Everything was always so complicated for them. 

 

"I know you'll be fine." Lexa said as she leaned her forearms against the wood railing. "That's not why I asked." 

 

"Then why did you ask?"

 

"I figured it would give us a chance to talk." She said as she turned toward me. "We haven't really..."

 

"I know." Clarke interupts. "I'm sorry about that I've just been...busy." 

 

"I like your ring." Lexa said gesturing to the brilliant diamond on Clarke's left hand. 

 

Clarke inwardly cringed. "I was going to tell you..."

 

"I know." Lexa said giving Clarke a halfhearted smile. 

 

As Lexa moved away from her spot on the rail, Clarke could see the hurt and confusion in her eyes. Part of Clarke, the part which had always been in love with her, was urging her to get up and stop her from leaving, to let Lexa wrap her in her arms and take her pain away. But Clarke feels so dead inside and she just watches her walk away. Clarke wanted to cry, but the tears refused to fall. Instead dhe just stands there frozen in place.

 

Clarke had always blamed Lexa their relationship never getting to the next level, but as she watches her walking away, she has to be honest with herself. It wasn't all her fault, Clarke never should have told her that 'us' would never work, and she certainly shouldn't have gotten involved with Finn. 

 

There was always something getting in between us. The past nine years of their friendship had been nothing short of an emotional roller coaster. Clarke was beginning to think that organized insanity had become their trademark. It was the same thing over and over again. 

 

Finn was a sore subject for the two of them. Clarke knew that me being with him bothered Lexa, but he had the guts to say what she never could and because of that, Clarke chose to be with him. He wanted her and wasn't afraid to show it. Without realizing it, Lexa had pushed her into his arms. He gave up his career for Clarke and traveled halfway around the world just to be closer to her. He wasn't afraid of commitment. 

 

"Lexa! Wait!" Clarke called out as she chased after Lexa despite her better judgement.

 

"Change your mind?" Lexa smirked when Clarke caught up. 

 

"Yeah. It's cold." Clarke said awkwardly as she looked down at the ground.

 

Lexa paused as she looked at Clarke contemplating the situation. Clarke can tell she has her guard up, she usually does. Sometimes Clarke felt like Lexa had built her walls up so high, that even she was trapped behind them. Lexa grabbed Clarke's hand and pulled her toward her truck, Clarke's skin tingled beneath Lexa's fingertips. Lexa released her hand once they make it to the passenger side door, and she reached into her pocket and pulled out the keys. 

 

It only takes a couple seconds for Lexa to unlock the door and start the truck up. Clarke shivered involuntarily as Lexa turned on the heat. Clarke desperately wanted to say something but as usual, the right words escaped her. Instead, she opted to just sit in silence and stare straight ahead. 

 

Clarke can tell Lexa is tired, her bloodshot eyes and the way her shoulders sag are a dead giveaway. The dash lights barely illuminate Lexa's beautiful features as she keeps her focus on the road. Her eyes have a sadness to them that Clarke has become all to familiar with, especially lately. Even though they don't talk, they still see each other around, and Clarke felt like it was a special kind of torture. 

 

"Costia left me." Lexa said suddenly, breaking the painful silence. "This morning."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that." Clarke said as her mind tried to process the new information. It was a very sudden and abrupt revelation. It was also very personal so Clarke was surprised she shared it with her at all.

 

"It happens." Lexa shrugged dismissively. "I'm used to it." 

 

"It doesn't bother you?"

 

"Not as much as it should." She answers honestly. "She wanted more than I could give."

 

Clarke didn't say it but she knew all to well how Costia felt. She wanted the one thing that Lexa wouldn't give her, her heart, and Clarke knew that Costia didn't have forever to wait. She knew from experience. 

 

"Don't we all." Clarke sighed as I lean my head back against the headrest. 

 

"And there it is." Lexa sighed in exasperation.

 

"I'm sorry." Clarke said in an effort to salvage the situation. "I shouldn't do this. Not right now anyway." 

 

"I don't think it matters anyway." Lexa said as she once again glanced at Clarke's ring. "I'm not sure if it ever really has."

 

"That's not fair." Clarke barely whispered. "How can you sit here and say that?" 

 

"I guess I thought you'd wait." Lexa answers. 

 

"Forever is an unreasonable timeframe Lexa." Clarke said, unable to hide her annoyance. "For anyone."

 

"I never asked you to wait forever." Lexa grumbled, clearly upset by Clarke's comment.

 

"It's what you don't say." Clarke said barely above a whisper.

 

Clarke can tell immediately that Lexa is done with the conversation. The tension radiates from her body in waves. This is exactly why they didn't talk anymore. It ended with heartache and disappointment every time. True to form Lexa was now pissed and annoyed Clarke. 

 

Clarke sighed heavily and leaned her head against the cool glass of the window. A heartbreaking silence stretched between the two of them and Clarke can feel the chasm that separated them, grow wider. Clarke was losing her and she didn't know how to stop it. Maybe she had already lost her and just refused to accept it.

 

"Look." Lexa said gently. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. It's my fault." 

 

"I'm sorry too." Clarke sighed. "I've missed you..."

 

"I know. I've missed you too." 

 

They fell back into an uneasy silence as Lexa continued driving.

 

"I got orders." 

 

"What? Where?" Clarke said as she suppressed the slight panic and disappointment in her voice.

 

"The Truman." She answered. "I'll be flying with the Jolly Rogers." 

 

"But they're..."

 

"Yup." She grinned. 

 

"When do you leave?" Clarke asked softly.

 

"Two days." She answered. 

 

"Wow." Clarke sighed. "That's....soon." 

 

"I can't fucking wait." She said as she continued to drive. 

 

They stayed silent for the remainder of the drive. Clarke couldn't help but curse fate. They had barely started speaking again and Lexa was already leaving. Clarke didn't even know why she was even surprised, this was after all how things worked for them. One step forward, two steps back. You'd think that they'd get the message by now. Clarke's heart sank as the reality of the situation sank in. Not only would Lexa be away from her, she'd be in danger.

 

Lexa pulled the truck into Clarke's driveway and put it park. "Safe and sound." She smiled shyly. 

 

"You wanna come inside?" Clarke asked hopefully. 

 

"I don't know..." Lexa replied carefully.

 

"I'll be nice." Clarke said with a slight smirk. "Come have some coffee with me. Please?"

 

Clarke's heart fluttered when she turned off the truck and pulled the keys out of the ignition. She looked unsure of that decision but followed through anyway. She followed Clarke to the front door and as Clarke unlocked it, she could feel her right behind her. Clarke wanted to close her eyes and lean into Lexa. Instead, she pushed the front door open and walked inside. 

 

Lexa followed in silence. It was almost painful. They used to have so much to say to each other. Now they only spoke if they were angry. Clarke made a mental note to work on that. She was tired of fighting with her to be honest. Clarke turned on the lights and tossed her keys on the counter. 

 

"Make yourself at home." Clarke smiled. 

 

Lexa opted to stand there awkwardly and rock back and forth on her heels. They were very bad at this. Clarke sighed and started the coffee pot. She'd be surprised if Lexa stayed long enough to actually have a cup. 

 

"I like your house." Lexa said breaking the silence. "It's different from what I remember" 

 

"Yeah. Finn helped me redecorate a few months ago." 

 

"Does he live here?"

 

"Sometimes." Clarke answered honestly. 

 

Clarke watched as Lexa walked around and started inspecting. She spent a few minutes looking at the various pictures on the walls. She looked sad as she looked at one in particular. Clarke knew exactly which one it was. It was taken several years ago when they were both in San Diego. It was probably the last time they were their selves with each other. Lexa had her arms wrapped around Clarke's waist and her chin resting on her shoulder. Clarke's face was pressed into Lexa's and they were both laughing. 

 

"I remember that night." Lexasaid softly. "I almost kissed you."

 

"But you didn't." Clarke reminded her.

 

"Jokes on me I guess." Lexa sighed.

 

"Coffee's ready." 

 

"Are you happy Clarke?" Lexa asked ignoring what Clarke had just said. 

 

"I am." She answered honestly. 

 

And Clarke was happy, at least for the most part. Lexa was the one part of her life that never quite aligned with what she wanted. Clarke wanted her close, she wanted to push her away. She wanted her to go, she wanted her stay. There was never any middle ground. Lexa was an emotional mind fuck and Clarke couldn't figure out why. It's not like she purposely tried to torment Clarke. It just sort of happened. Lexa was Clarke's unicorn. Unobtainable. 

 

"I'm happy to hear that." Lexa said as she stood and stared at the picture. She seemed distracted. 

 

"Here." Clarke said as she walked over and handed Lexa a mug of hot coffee. "As promised." 

 

"I'm tired Clarke." Lexa sighed as she sat on the couch. 

 

"I know." Clarke said, catching the hidden meaning behind that statement. 

 

"I feel like I'm burning out." Lexa confessed. 

 

"I think everyone does at some point." 

 

Clarke could tell she felt very alone. She wished she knew how to be there for her. Lexa was there for Clarke through some of the worst times of her life, and Clarke just couldn't make herself do the same for her. Clarke was being selfish and unfair. She justified it by being angry at her because she couldn't give her what she wanted. 

 

"I think I should get going." Lexa said as she stood and walked toward the door. "Thank you for the coffee." She added as she left without so much as saying goodbye. 

 

Clarke was right about Lexa not staying. She never did, and that was the problem.

 

Clarke felt tired and confused and unable to think about what just happened. The thought was fleeting, but for a moment, she thought that drinking might be a good idea. She didn't really want to spend time alone thinking, especially not about Lexa. Maybe if she drank enough, she'd forget. Maybe then she'd sleep without dreaming, but like most thoughts pertaining to Lexa, Clarke knew it was a bad idea. Alcohol was the last thing on this planet that she would ever need. 

 

She had to learn to forget about Lexa the hard way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you guys are feeling intrigued by these complicated ass idiots. It's going to be a bumpy ride. Come yell at me on tumblr. @thisloudmourning

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been kicking this idea around in my head for quite some time. Hopefully you guys want to read it. It's going to be a hell of a ride. This version of Clexa will be very complicated. They got some baggage. Especially Clarke. Let me know if you love it or hate it. Seriously. Come yell at me on tumblr @ thisloudmourning. I love discussing head cannons or being prompted so feel free to that to.


End file.
